I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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