How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You are the jesus of drinking
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