She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
