When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize