Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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