Ambien. No doubt about it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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