chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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