Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
