woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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