Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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