That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
