Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
