I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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