Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
