Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
