I just made out with a guy for $7.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
