I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We left the knife in your bed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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