I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he thought i was a dude.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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