please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
