i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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