I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
