My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
