I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
