Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
