dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
