Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
