i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
