I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
