it was like his penis was on wheels.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
