You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
