whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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