Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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