I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
