i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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