How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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