A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
