I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
