I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
