I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
