Just mADE A PArabola og urine
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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