Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she smelled like a LAN party
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
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