If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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