2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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