a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
