i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
