He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
