Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if only i could text you this smell
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
