What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
