You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
