then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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