2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
are you so shy because you have an std?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
