The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize