Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
