If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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