Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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