and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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