ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
