im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So apparently I’m into choking now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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