I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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